Ending up in a horror movie seems like a passive event. You’re blissfully scratching your balls at 3am on some shiftless Tuesday and suddenly a blue Asian kid with big black eyes comes crawling from under your duvet meowing like a cat, right? Wrong! I have given you the tools you need to survive should you ever end up in a horror movie scenario, now I will go a step beyond that and show you how to stop one from even occurring, because who needs all that blood and guts all over your favorite Persian rug in the first place?
1. Don’t read aloud from books written in an ancient foreign language
You know how it goes: you buy a new dream house – white picket fence and Golden Retriever included – and find some dusty tome with neat runes chiseled into its Eskimo-baby-skin-cover in the cellar. Or perhaps you visit the local bookstore and, at the bottom of a godforsaken shelf, you find a book the shopkeeper doesn’t even remember having. Or maybe your archaeologist great-great-grandpappie came… Continue reading
Afraid you’ll wake up during a zombie apocalypse? Petrified that one day a phone call will come from within the house? Convinced that Freddie’s gonna find you? GraveDave’s Guide to Surviving a Horror Movie will teach you the things you shouldn’t do if your long term plans involve petting soft white bunnies and helping Aunt Muriel cross the street.
1. Don’t have big boobs.
Big heaving voluptuous bosoms have been the downfall of many a budding horror movie hero. They might even be the number one cause of horror death. These deadly objects are silent killers. They seem innocent and perky, but their owners always end up running half naked through a forest, abandoned building or sprinkler system in ultra slow motion with an axe wielding psychopath or deformed, drooling mountain mutant at their heels.
If you thought this only applies to women, think again. Man boobs can be as deadly if not deadlier than their female counterparts. Horror survivors don’t wobble. Stay away from those McDonald’s cheeseburgers and hit the weights, but not too hard because horror movie… Continue reading
Have you ever wanted to do the Spider Walk just like little Regan from The Exorcist? Tried and tried, but just couldn’t get it right? Fear not, GraveDave’s Guide to Spider Walking will have you running around like a demonically possessed 12 year old girl in no time!
What you need for this tutorial:
1 x Staircase
The ability to bleed on queue
Disclaimer: Unless you are a professional stuntman or an ultra-flexible Yoga instructor, you probably shouldn’t be doing this. In fact, don’t do it at all. My drawings are terrible, and even if you could decipher what they represent, following my instructions is a terrible idea.
Step 1 – Get yourself flat on the floor:
This is the easiest move in the Spider Walk; in fact, some of the more athletic among you might already have figured it out. Remember to keep your back straight and your arms by your side. Point your toes for extra aesthetic appeal. You also want to tilt your head to the side and smile as… Continue reading