GraveDave’s Guide to the Exorcist Spider Walk
Have you ever wanted to do the Spider Walk just like little Regan from The Exorcist? Tried and tried, but just couldn’t get it right? Fear not, GraveDave’s Guide to Spider Walking will have you running around like a demonically possessed 12 year old girl in no time!
What you need for this tutorial:
1 x Staircase
The ability to bleed on queue
Disclaimer: Unless you are a professional stuntman or an ultra-flexible Yoga instructor, you probably shouldn’t be doing this. In fact, don’t do it at all. My drawings are terrible, and even if you could decipher what they represent, following my instructions is a terrible idea.
Step 1 – Get yourself flat on the floor:
This is the easiest move in the Spider Walk; in fact, some of the more athletic among you might already have figured it out. Remember to keep your back straight and your arms by your side. Point your toes for extra aesthetic appeal. You also want to tilt your head to the side and smile as if you’re looking at an invisible camera and adoring fans are cheering you on. That wasn’t in the movie, but I find it gives me a sense of well-being and pride.
Step 2 – Assume the position:
The second step takes tremendous upper body strength and endurance that only demonically possessed people and little old ladies lifting trucks off babies can muster. It involves raising your knees so that your feet are flat on the floor. Push your derriere off the ground with your legs and swing your arms over your head so that the palms of your hands touch the ground. If your body doesn’t resemble the one in the picture, don’t panic, it isn’t 100% medically accurate, it might just mean that you’re normal.
Step 3 – Walk the talk:
Tilt your head backwards so you’re staring at the world upside down. Now head down the nearest set of stairs, hissing and grunting like a North African rhino in mating season, while blood drips from your mouth. Speak in Latin if you know it for added effect. If you don’t know Latin and you start speaking in it anyway, find a priest.
Step 4 – You’ve done it!
Congratulate yourself on a job well done. Unless you had to find a priest, in which case I guess your journey of self discovery is just beginning. Best of luck.